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Wilderness

  Today, I’m getting married, with a girl I’ve been in love with for three years.
  Everyone was very nervous that day. As soon as it was dawn, my parents and mother-in-law began intensive preparations. Arranging the wedding scene, receiving relatives and friends attending the wedding, I watched the mother-in-law coming in and out, holding a thick grass carp and ham in one hand, and a red lacquered wooden basin filled with melon and fruit wedding candy in the other, with soybean grains hanging on her face There are beads of sweat, but it looks like a little girl cheering, and she doesn’t look old over fifty years old at all.
  The living room soon became boiling, with laughter, coughing, and the sound of clinking cups. I guessed it was the visits of relatives and friends of the elders. I didn’t pay attention, but kept imagining what happened in the living room. Suddenly, I heard my mother’s hearty laughter, laughing happily, it should be that I have received the share money.
  Yun’er complained to me that she was not used to it, and she couldn’t stand such an uproarious environment, especially before the wedding was about to take place. Because Yun’er and I have never been married, you may think this is nonsense, but in fact, she and I have no idea. When asked about wedding matters, Yun’er didn’t say a word, and I didn’t say anything. Only vaguely expressing inner worries, she said that this feeling hurt her more than a nervous breakdown.
  I felt a little distressed, but I couldn’t think of any words to comfort her. Last night, I tightly hugged Yun’er curled up on my chest and fell into a deep sleep. The window was not closed tightly, and the outside wind came through the gap, and the room became very cold. When I got up and closed the window, a gust of wind rushed towards my face, and my drunkenness quickly swallowed my consciousness. I seemed to plunge into the sea and swim. I temporarily forgot how to breathe, forgot the existence of the cloud and the wedding, and I was stunned. leaning against the window, looking out from the fourth floor, watching the bright lights of the city that never sleeps.
  My mind drifted away quietly, to an empty wilderness.
  In the wilderness, there is neither a single shadow of people coming, nor any visible birds and beasts. There is only an endless expanse stretching to the end of the eye. The green grass is under the feet, and the soil is under the grass. leave footprints. I wandered around indiscriminately, and then started running, looking for traces of people with my eyes, maybe the traces were completely buried inadvertently, and when I came back to my senses, I found that I had been running for a long time, but I still found nothing. I couldn’t help being disheartened, but I didn’t turn back for a long time, but kept running forward, passing through countless dusks. Along the way, I also saw traces of many people, such as desolate isolated villages, nameless tombstones and bones exposed to the wild. One day, along the way, I found Yun’er, and we ran down together holding her hand. She told me the scenery along the way, and I was surprised to find that the surroundings were just like what she said. I took Yun’er to the end of the wilderness, and the road became smaller and smaller. We came to a dark cave, so big that it could block the sun, and we couldn’t tell day from night. There was a door at the entrance of the cave, which was locked. At this time, Yun’er beside me shook my shoulders and shouted to me: “Where is the key? Where did the key go?” ”
  Of course it is the key on the door. Don’t play dumb.
  ” What kind of expression was on my face, and I slowly said: “I probably lost it.”
  I couldn’t help but immerse myself in the memory, and I didn’t know that my mother walked into Yun’er and me’s bedroom. Seeing me doing nothing, my mother sighed softly, as if she was blaming me for not understanding the hardships of the elders. I skillfully avoided her gaze, but my mother ignored her, patted me on the shoulder and said, “Mrs. Wu is here, hurry up and say hello to her.”
  Among the elders, I can’t remember Mrs. Wu alone. It may be that time made a big or small joke, which made you forget someone in a hurry, or put a few strangers in your life who seemed to have no intersection. Then people leave and the tea cools down. Curious about the sudden appearance of Mrs. Wu, I followed my mother into the living room. I looked up and saw a hunchbacked old woman at the door of the kitchen. He is tall, with thick and short white hair hanging on his head like a fishing net, and his face is shriveled. She held on to the kitchen door tremblingly, as dry as a fallen leaf. Mrs. Wu watched me approaching, she immediately showed nostalgia, and said to me: “Oh, is it Xiaojian? He is really tall, where is your fiancée? Let your mother call out together.
  ” A yellowed envelope was taken out of the pocket of the light wool coat, but the envelope contained not a letter, but money, which caused my mother to go forward and argue with Mrs. Wu for a long time. I apologized from the sidelines and remained silent. I listened to the chattering conversation between Mrs. Wu and my mother, and I rubbed my fingers repeatedly on the envelope. The paper is very thick. It is the old letter paper I used to write letters when I was a child. It has a musty smell and must have been stored for a long time.
  When I was a child, I grew up in a small county in Suzhou. Together with my parents, grandfather and grandmother, my family of five lived in the alleys of Zhangjia Hutong. In my memory, Zhangjia Hutong is a small place, and it only takes five minutes to ride a bicycle to get out from the entrance of the Hutong. The outside world is big, and there are many unknown things buried, which make me curious and sometimes frightened. The road is very narrow, the houses are very low, and they are intertwined in twos and threes. The same road seems to have thousands of exits, like a complicated maze.
  When I was a child, I liked to run around in the alleys in the afternoon when the rain stopped, and ran along the corners that I knew or were inconspicuous. Most of the ground in the alleys was covered with bricks one by one. There was muddy water coming out, I often stepped hard on the wet brick road, and let the splashed water spray on the concrete walls of people on the side of the road, leaving a gray and ugly mark. It is euphemistically called “artistic creation”. Although it is a lack of public morality from an adult’s point of view, the scratch has become an indelible monument in the world of a young child. I ran in the alley for an entire afternoon, until dusk came, and the setting sun gradually faded in the depths of the clouds, and I realized that there was not much time left in the day. At that time, I was standing in the aisle of the alley, watching my mother approaching from a distance with a reproach on her face. The wind was also blowing from that direction, but I felt like it was blowing from the wilderness farther away.
  Mrs. Wu’s house is just across an alley from ours. In terms of seniority, she is my father’s aunt, but I don’t have many opportunities to meet her. The picture I remember the most is that she moved a rattan chair in the small yard in front of her house, holding her grandson who was sleeping peacefully in her arms, gently swaying the cattail fan in one hand, and the sun poured down from the side of the small yard, Flowed to her feet like water. My memories of Mrs. Wu came to an abrupt end soon, because when I was six years old, Mrs. Wu’s family left Zhangjia Hutong, and many people in the hutong went to see them off, including my mother and me. It is a pity that the human brain is not the product of precision instruments, the length of time has already surpassed my memory, and I have completely lost my mind about the details of the farewell. However, to my surprise, I still clearly remember that I stood behind my mother at that time, looking at the scorched corner of the small courtyard that was completely burned by the fire.
  In 2003, a child was lying on the window looking at the increasingly silent night outside. He was extremely sensitive to everything that existed in the dark night, the indelible instinctive fear in his heart, and the curiosity and excitement that only belonged to children. He always pestered his sleepy mother and asked her many childish questions that would be laughed at by adults: “Are there any ghosts in the dark night? Why is the moon sometimes round and sometimes flat? How long does it take for a person to fly to the stars?” ?…” But the only answer to me was my mother’s heavy snoring. I now think of me who only bit my fingers and played and cried at that time. I was able to ask so many philosophical questions. A prince-like funny character, it seems that a certain artist was right when he said: “Children are born saints.”

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