“Social fear”, what are you afraid of?
Now, “social terror” has become a high-frequency word among young people. The term was originally a medical term, and its full name is social phobia, also known as social anxiety disorder. In the eyes of clinical psychiatrists, its central symptom is the fear of being judged by others in small groups, usually accompanied by autonomous disorders. Neurological symptoms, significant avoidance behavior and other clinical symptoms. In clinical diagnosis, the detection rate of social phobia is about 2% to 7%. It should be said that most people do not meet the diagnosis of “social phobia”.
But the word became popular, and “sheniu” became popular with it. Young people have added the label of “social terror” to themselves, and the label of “social cow” to others. They must call it “social terror” when they say it, and they must mention “social cow” when they say it. This has started a round of self-deprecating and an orgy of irony.
Coincidentally, four students came to the consulting room one after another. Let’s call them Little A, Little B, Little C, and Little D. They all claimed to be “social terror”. Let’s see what they are “fearful”.
The embarrassment of “the scene of social death”
Little A is a quiet girl who usually likes to be alone, and reads in the dormitory when she is not in class. When the word “social terror” was mentioned, she smiled lightly and said, “I think I am ‘social terror’!”
Asked why, Xiao A said: “What I fear most is embarrassing scenes, that is, ‘large Social death scene’. For example, if you go to participate in a team building, engage in that ice-breaking game, such as drumming and passing flowers, such as strong wind blowing, if you are unlucky, it will be transferred to you, and you must be forced to perform a show, and then the atmosphere will be completely frozen. Embarrassed to the point of digging my toes, I had to bite the bullet and sing a tune-deficient song, which is really horrible!” Little A said with a smile, “It’s better to stay away from people you don’t know well. Yes, I understand ‘social ” Fear” refers to the fear of those social places that require many people to participate. Am I considered “social terror”?
” What is Xiao A “fearing”? What she is afraid of is the embarrassing “community death scene” during the team building process, which can be understood as being forced to expose her “not decent” side due to the pressure of the group. This “less than decent” side is actually a very real state of people, but why are we embarrassed? Most of it is because the person involved has a relatively perfect “personal design” expectation for himself, and also has a perfect expectation for the order and rhythm of life. Once this perfection is broken due to group pressure, “I” becomes imperfect. Order becomes chaotic and unbalanced, and embarrassing emotions arise.
The Dilemma of “Little Transparency”
”Most people around you are more ‘social fear’, right?” Little B is a boy who is good at thinking. He frowned, and then began to chatter, “Why do I want to socialize? I hide in the dormitory by myself Isn’t it good to play games? Mainly, when you socialize and participate in group activities, you must have a sense of presence in the crowd. However, according to the analysis of statistical knowledge, no matter what field or occasion, there are always some People are particularly capable of attracting people’s attention. For example, a speech that can be remembered by everyone is either a particularly good speech or a particularly bad speech, but such a particularly good or particularly bad speech is extremely popular among the crowd. A small number of people, this is determined by statistics. Normal distribution!” The
consultant wanted to say something, but Xiao B adjusted his glasses and didn’t mean to stop. He continued: “You also found out, right? In reality, most people are not easy to attract attention, and they can’t get any sense of presence, that is, “little transparency”. According to the principle of behavioral economics, the motivation of people to do something must be that the expected return is higher than Cost. Social networking itself is a labor-intensive activity. If he can’t benefit, then of course he should avoid social situations as much as possible, because most people are in the middle group, so most people are ‘social fear’!”
Little B is in the end “Fear” what? He is unwilling to be in the middle, to be transparent, and not to be seen. In fact, what he avoids is a scene without strong feedback and strong attention. On the other hand, this also reflects that Little B himself has a strong need for attention, but Little B firmly believes that only those who are particularly good or bad can get strong attention. Generally speaking, people don’t expect themselves to behave badly in front of others. Therefore, Xiao B probably has a particularly “excellent” self-expectation in his heart.
Little B’s avoidance of social interaction is actually avoiding the psychological feeling after the failure of “excellent self-expectations”.
perfectionist expectations
Little C is a very shy boy. Regarding the issue of “social fear”, he seems a little embarrassed: “‘Social fear’, I think I still have it. The main reason is that I am easily nervous. Every time I make a public appearance, I will I’m quite nervous, and sometimes it’s easy to say the wrong thing.” He sighed, and then said: “For example, when it’s my turn to speak during a speech, I just look at the reactions of the students in the audience. Look at me, or see who is doing homework and who is sleeping… As long as I see such a situation, I feel that I must be speaking badly.”
”I think an excellent speech must be at least 90% of the people. Keep your eyes on you, if there is not such a high percentage, you still can’t speak well. If you don’t speak well, it’s better not to speak. Slowly, I won’t go to public places… I want to practice until it’s perfect He dared to make an appearance because of his status. Can this also be understood as ‘social terror’?” After speaking, he smiled shyly again.
What is little C “fearing”? When he socializes, his main energy is to focus on those feedback signals that are highly related to his poor performance. That is to say, he always focuses on his own shortcomings. As long as there is a little bad feedback, he will ignore other possible good feedback. This is also a typical perfectionist tendency-if you don’t achieve 100 points, you will be 0 points of feeling.
What Xiao C avoids is his flawed self in the crowd.
Fear of being “overwhelmed”
”It’s too tiring, you can’t handle so much information at all!” The girl D kept tense all the time. When talking about these things, her expression couldn’t hide her tiredness, “When there are too many people, you have to listen to a lot When people talk, some people say this, some people say that, first the ears can’t take care of it! Then everyone is talking to themselves, and if you want to understand everything, your brain can’t react! Finally, people still want to be understood and shared. Love, you have to understand everyone’s feelings, your heart is too busy!”
”Too tired! Too tired! Every time I go to a crowded place, I feel that I disappear, and I am overwhelmed by a lot of other people’s information. Overwhelmed! When I am alone, I follow dramas, stare blankly, and giggle alone. I feel that I have not been consumed. This is much more comfortable! I don’t like socializing with many people.”
“Of course, I don’t reject one-on-one Socializing, up to three people, I can’t do it if there are more than three people. Teacher, am I a ‘social fear’?”
Little D’s situation seems to be due to social avoidance caused by the need for independence, but think about it, she Why are you so tired? She needs to hear everyone’s voice, understand everyone’s message, understand everyone’s feelings, and have a caring response to them. This kind of requirement is not imposed on her by others, but her own requirement on herself. She is worried that she has not taken care of others in all aspects, so that others will have a bad evaluation of herself. The evaluation of others further affects self-evaluation. This kind of high expectation and high demand can also be explained as self-perfectionism.
Accept your imperfect self
Judging from the stories of the above four students, none of them are real social phobias, at most they are some kind of social avoidance behavior, but their stories are more typical, which may reveal some of the young people’s social avoidance common understanding.
”The embarrassing social death scene”, “the intermediate state of being transparent”, “perfect social expectations” and “the fear of information flooding” are the four reasons for social avoidance.
From the perspective of the four stories, we will find that the word “social terror” actually contains our perfectionistic expectations for self, environment, order, rhythm, and social quality. The desire for perfection reflects the potential expectation that we are actually not willing to be behind others, and not willing to be the “middle crowd”. This year, I led my students to arrange a psychological stage play called “Hello, Mr. Middle”, which aroused deep sympathy among the audience after the performance. Indeed, most people are always in the middle, they are neither prominent nor disruptive, they are easy to lose attention and often become “little transparent”. This is the majority of the crowd, and the majority of people in society—”Mr. Middle” are prone to mood swings, restlessness, and even excessive anxiety because they do not receive the expected praise, recognition, and rewards. How to live well without strong feedback and strong attention, so as not to lose mental balance?
For young people, there is a very important psychological issue that needs to be constantly faced and practiced: they must struggle to realize their self-worth, and they must also accept the state of the middle group, and be neither impatient nor impetuous. Only by examining yourself and accepting yourself can you show your true self.
