How to Stand Up for Yourself and Stop Being a Pushover
Sometimes I laugh for too long, and I almost forget how to make a bad face and get angry, are you too? In the past, I always had a sunny smile. Others know me with a signature smile, and I also know myself with a signature smile. In the past, I was very proud of this, but later I discovered that it was not that I was born without sadness and negativity, but that I subconsciously felt that I was “not qualified not to laugh” or “not qualified not to be optimistic and positive”!
I remember when I was with my husband, he always tried every means to annoy me, or tried to get some negative words and opinions out of my mouth. Then when the trick succeeded, he said happily, you are finally looking more and more like a real person.
In the Chinese society where etiquette is valued, children with a considerate personality can easily grow into Mr./Ms. Nice because of their upbringing since they were young. But after growing up, I realized that if you are infinitely pleasing, people will not thank you or like you because of it. On the contrary, the more temperless you are, the less others will take your kindness seriously, and the more they will feel that it is only natural to step on you.
On the contrary, when you are more “not easy to mess with”, others will be more polite and respectful to you. When I started to have a personality and a temper, the people around me actually became more cheerful.
A recent discovery is that we don’t really need to “want too much to be nice” or “too much to be liked by the world”. Because when you want to be a good person too much, and you are too eager to grasp the “good-looking label”, you will attract bad people who love to bully you; when you want to be a kind, gentle and soft girl, there will be more and more annoying ghosts and control freaks, who will force you to become a hot and crazy woman! Things are related to each other.
Recently, because I was preparing to start a business and open a restaurant for catering with my husband , I actively studied and signed up for a full set of cooking courses in a cooking class. Unexpectedly, after going there, I discovered that in “Hell’s Kitchen”, there is also a jungle society where the weak prey on the strong.
There is also a “food chain” in the kitchen, and those in power will only pick weak prey to eat!
The teaching assistant aunt (course assistant) will “teach people” in a very aggressive tone, and she is very picky about the details of every step of your cooking from cooking to cleaning. The other students either come from a catering background and are too strong to talk about; or they are mediocre, but at least they are not easy to provoke and know how to resist. After the teaching assistant encounters a few obstacles, they learn to clean up their own noses, broaden their eyes and not make things difficult. And if you are unlucky, like me and a few other students, reduced to the bottom of the food chain, then the days of class will be sad! There are endless problems in every class. When you are in a good mood, you will take out the bowls one by one and touch them to see if you have wiped them dry enough.
As for the teacher, it is a more mysterious existence. He is humorous, serious in teaching, and always reminds me carefully with a earnest look. He will be very enthusiastic to help you, but he is also very accustomed to touching girls while talking, making all kinds of “unnecessary and unpleasant physical contact”. From time to time, he would appear from behind unexpectedly, patting you on the shoulder, touching your back, and touching your arms. The touch position is probably the back, upper arm, shoulder, or between the chest and the shoulder, and the stay time is about 1 to 2 seconds, which is long enough to make your skin crawl, and short enough for you to yell no.
All of the above made me sign up for classes to learn cooking happily, but in the end, I was stressed out before class every week and couldn’t sleep.
My husband said that when you meet this kind of person, you must not let them think that you are the one who is the best to bully, and let them know that “bullying you has a price.” Just like in the closed society of “National Middle School”, where the weak are preyed upon by the strong and the weak are mentally incomplete, once you enter, you must first have a “masterpiece” to let everyone know that you are not easy to provoke and cannot be provoked. Only then will he not be reduced to the bottom of the food chain and easily become that poor person who is bullied by his classmates.
Thinking about it well, I am clearly a customer who should be treated kindly! After spending so much money, and working so hard every week to drive all the way to class, I just want to learn cooking happily, not because I want to “spend money to be touched by the teacher” or “spend money to be the doormat of the teaching assistant aunt”.
So I decided not to be cowardly anymore!
My husband and I practiced funny secrets at home for 2 nights. The content of the practice was roughly: he played the role of a teacher, and kept running to touch my shoulders. And I had to bounce away dramatically the moment he touched me, and then shouted “short and evil” with disgust in a way of “not hurting much, but highly insulting”!
Soon, the next class finally arrived.
I no longer laugh as much as usual, and when I use too much force, I just smear my face. When the teaching assistant was very fierce and taught people everywhere, I no longer kept smiling and saying yes all the time, but just looked at her blankly and nodded slightly to express acceptance in accordance with the mood of being unlovable in life.
Unexpectedly, the tone of the teaching assistant auntie’s words to me suddenly became very gentle, and she whispered softly all the way, and the whole person became amiable.
Then, the teacher walked through the crowd again, pretending to be familiar, and touched my shoulder. Damn… I still accidentally froze, and missed the best time to yell “Short Evil~” with a disgusted face.
Fortunately, I didn’t let myself down. Finally, after 5 seconds of being stupid, I bravely turned my head to look into the other person’s eyes, and squeezed out a sentence “Teacher, I don’t like being touched” from between my teeth! Under the large audience where all the people happen to be together, the volume is moderate, just the sound that everyone can hear properly.
At this time, the air condensed, and he was dumbfounded, “uh huh oh oh” speechless, then he walked out silently, and came back after a while.
It turns out that these hands-on people are quite vulgar, and there is nothing to be afraid of! Don’t be afraid to say it will be embarrassing, the embarrassing person is not you, we “just want to embarrass him”.
Although I was frightened by my own bravery, my hands were still trembling when I returned to the position to chop vegetables, but I really felt very happy. It’s been a long time since I’ve had such a good time!
Later, due to embarrassment or other special reasons, the teacher delayed many of the ingredients that I handed in for unified processing. I handed it in early tomorrow, but I don’t know why I couldn’t get it until the last one. But if you think about it, you just got it later, so what? Anyway, I did nothing wrong!
I rebel against the original sin of being a woman, the “inexplicable shame” full of misogynistic plots, which is deeply rooted in my heart because I have been in a patriarchal society for a long time. I was being touched without consent, so I was brave enough to tell the other person that I didn’t like it. What am I doing wrong? What are you ashamed of? I couldn’t figure it out for a while. But what should be embarrassing is that he is not me!
So I ran to urge the teacher, and finally got the ingredients smoothly, and I was never touched or made things difficult again.
When it was time to end the class, the auntie of the teaching assistant began to use various reasons to express that I could not leave yet. In the past, the teaching assistant always saw the same thing and thought the same thing, and then kept running to check the situation of other students halfway, so I was always dragged to the last one to leave. So this time I learned my lesson, and I was determined not to let the teaching assistant have the opportunity to withdraw before he finished checking me. She said “There is oil on the wall and needs to be scrubbed”, and I rushed over and brushed frantically in a second; when she said “The vegetable cloth is wet and not wrung out”, I “grabbed the vegetable cloth and twisted it very hard”, and I caught her in front of her eyes, crushing it with a childish one-handed force. I’m sorry, Caiguabu! So in the end, I was released very quickly, and I was a little surprised when I left! Probably a bad-tempered teaching assistant would also be afraid of encountering a crazy woman, right?
Although we are all afraid of offending people, we still want to tell everyone secretly: There are so many big people who can’t be offended in the world, but they are all bluffs.
I heard people say that “90% of the people around you can afford to offend”, but it is true!
Sometimes in a certain environment, when you meet a relatively powerful person, you will think that you are a weak party, and you can’t afford to offend such a big guy. But the truth is, either your weak spot under his control is too small to be worth mentioning, even if you are thrown into the fire with the other party, it will be worthwhile and happy; or his power is so fragile, because he is too perfect and hollow and hypocritical, so he can be pierced by a small needle. The kind of little person who has nothing to lose is actually the person they can’t afford the most.
A lamb looks weak and can be bullied by everyone, but when the flock runs wildly, it can trample tigers, leopards and wolves to death. This time, I was finally brave. I hope that in the future, we can stop being aggrieved, continue to be a person with personality and not to be trifled with, and stand up bravely for ourselves and those around us. Let those who like to fight for power know that he can’t afford to mess with this flock of sheep!
In fact, when you are weak, not to mention that bad people want to bully you, even your closest family members, friends, and lovers will unconsciously step on and somersault on your head. The advancement of relationships is usually gradual and progressive. If I can be impatient with you this time, I can be angry with you next time, and I can yell at you the next time, and I can take it one step further after that, treating you as a long-term punching bag for personal venting of emotions and life dissatisfaction. So in the past, I was always obedient and obedient, and submissive, but now I am too lazy to be a good girl and a doormat!
In the past, when my parents blackmailed me with various emotions because what I did did not meet their expectations, I would accept those unreasonable expectations, accompany the staged drama of tragedy, and blame myself infinitely. Now, after quickly finishing what I want to say, I immediately backed away, fled quickly with a knife in my hand, and let the adults digest their own emotions. Although it is shameful to run away, it is very useful. When we meet again a few weeks later, he is a good man again, and the family is still happy and harmonious. The result is that the parent-child relationship is better, and getting along is more comfortable and comfortable!
In the past relationship, I was infinitely gentle and accommodating most of the time, and later I was even humble and flattering, really “low to the dust” as Eileen Chang said. It made it obvious that it was me who was pursued first by the other party, but at the end of getting along, it turned out that I was holding the other party in a humble way. Holding it until one day when I suddenly woke up, I couldn’t help laughing, what is so good about it? Not so now! On the premise of mutual respect and equality, I will talk about feelings, and I have learned to protest loudly when encountering unpleasant things. Conflict is a good thing, at least you can still communicate and work together, and there is still a spark of enthusiasm. If you quarrel, just quarrel. When you don’t even bother to quarrel, it’s probably the end of love, right? Without respect, no matter how much you love, you would rather not have it. It’s just a relationship, so why feel aggrieved? Lost it!
When I was bullied and harassed in the past, I swallowed my anger and dared to be angry but dared not speak up. Now I have slowly started to practice bravery, and I am no longer the little sheep who is easily frightened and bullied.
In the past, I was proud of myself who always had a big smile on my face. In order to be a “sunshine girl” and maintain this inexplicable self-expectation, I almost forgot how to get angry, angry or sad. Even if you are bullied, you still don’t forget to say thank you. Now I am gradually starting to learn not to suppress my negative emotions anymore.
Why should you always smile positively and be everyone’s little sunshine? It stands to reason that if we are really free people, we should also have the power to make faces, not smile, be pessimistic or collapse.
Emotions are like earthquakes. To endure and hide again and again will not let the energy rest in peace. It will only accumulate over time, and then there will be a sudden violent outbreak, and in the end it will either hurt others or hurt yourself. Others will be even more at a loss, not knowing how to get along with you. It’s better to release it properly during the process. If you should go back fiercely, you will go back fiercely, if you should fight back, you will turn back, if you should make a bad face, you will put on a bad face, and if you should cry, you will have a good cry. It’s no big deal, everything is just a normal release of energy. Expressing emotions correctly is not only beneficial to physical and mental health, but also teaches others how to “respect you”.
Why hold back your anger and make the person who pissed you happy? Why suppress displeasure and let the one who displeases you go free? Why hold back your tears and let the person who made you cry think you can take more?
After being a good old man with no temper, he became a “principled person who is not easy to mess with”, and his life has become much easier. Human beings should have the freedom to release emotions normally. How about we start today and live with flesh and blood and personality; from today on, don’t bear it anymore!
