A female reader said that every time her husband was too ill to bear it, he regressed to the age of three and handed over his body and soul to her, and prepared both water and medicine. Occasionally, she forgot in a hurry, and her husband missed taking the medicine, saying that he was plausible:
”I don’t know, I completely give myself to you.”
It was really angry and funny. Seeing his wife busy, her husband continued to act like a baby: “I’m sorry to trouble you.”
She replied: “This is the meaning of marriage.”
As onlookers, we should all understand that this is a period without expectations. And the kidnapping, completely relaxed and trusting communication, very heartwarming.
Giving yourself to the other party unconditionally is equivalent to “I hand over my life to you”.
Some people may ask: Isn’t it a dependent personality to give your life to the other party? Who dares to hold a human life in his hands?
Indeed, such situations are not uncommon in intimate relationships.
If one party is more psychologically dependent and is still living in the period when the baby needs to be breastfed, he will often use the way of complaining intentionally or unintentionally to convey such information to the other half: I am not alive and you should be responsible, or you can
clearly Satisfy me but just don’t wait.
Babies hand over their lives to their caregivers because they have no choice; if adults continue to rely on infants and are more often unable to achieve self-satisfaction, then both parties in the relationship will be very tired, and both will be in an unfree situation. state.
For adults, the fatal thing is not to eat and drink to survive, but to be afraid of facing the so-called unacceptable parts of oneself such as unacceptable, flawed, vulnerable, and dark sides.
If you hand over something that you can’t stand, you will really kill yourself.
But the most touching part of the relationship between people is often unexpected: when you bravely surrender your deepest fears, you can gain deeper intimacy.
The reason is that everyone has something that they are dissatisfied with or self-criticizing; when one party in the relationship can show his vulnerability, it will make the other party feel that the bad things in him will not be attacked, and at the same time, it is equivalent to accepting each other’s shadows. part.
This is how security in a relationship comes about.
Trust is not a fake word for one party to urge the other to do better, but for two people to tolerate each other’s inner fragility and fear. Once there is such a “fatal” friendship, the relationship will enter an unprecedented depth.
In front of the other party, it doesn’t matter how I truly express my strengths and weaknesses, which means that I can be fully responsible for myself, which is an absolute sign of a healthy personality.
Japanese writer Yataro Matsuura said: “On the road of life, you will definitely find things that cannot be resolved without being honest with each other. I even think that I have formed myself through the experience of being honest with others many times.” Let’s listen
together his story.
”Life Hand Stickers” is a powerful Japanese magazine that has been in operation for many years. When the circulation dropped sharply, the publisher, Ms. Yasuko Yokoyama, found Mr. Matsuura and tried her best to persuade him to be the editor-in-chief.
Mr. Matsuura was more puzzled than happy about this invitation. Although he wrote and edited, he has no experience in editing magazines; he doesn’t know how to work in a team, and has been used to working alone for many years.
He couldn’t imagine himself parachuting into a team and saying, “I’m the editor-in-chief,” and then everything would be fine, and it would be a matter of course.
He couldn’t understand Ms. Yokoyama’s decision, but if she had done some research in advance, she would know many factors that Mr. Matsuura was not suitable to be the editor-in-chief.
He quickly understood that Ms. Yokoyama was using intuition. It is not a product of the mind, which prevents us from showing what we think is bad.
Words like intuition or feeling are always somewhat abstract. Teacher Wu Zhihong once defined it: it is a kind of proof that you show your true self and are in real contact with a thing.
Reality includes our strengths and weaknesses. Only by crossing the dividing line between the two, can there be a chance for the heart and soul to communicate with each other.
Ms. Yokoyama shoulders the double pressure of the interests of the board of directors and the expectations of the readers. Her decisiveness made Mr. Matsuura feel the fighting spirit. At that moment, Matsuura decided to be honest with her and become the editor-in-chief of “Life Stickers”.
When people have no worries, they can go all out.
Returning to intimate relationships, many people mess up relationships precisely because of “fatal concerns”.
For example, if two people are together, one party always finds out what the other party is not doing well, and tries to prove that the other party is not good. The biggest possibility is to cover up the fear of its own “shortcomings”.
By blaming others, you can forget your own pain. Over time, it becomes hurting each other, and in order to compromise with certain realities, they have to endure it wearing a mask.
This kind of relationship can last a lifetime, but because of the lack of depth, it is either tormented or boring.
I often see people asking on the Internet: What should I do if I am afraid of entering an intimate relationship?
I will give an explanation: Then you may be afraid of seeing your real “shadow” parts. For these parts, you are afraid to face them first, and then you are afraid of being seen by the other party after entering a relationship. Finally, you don’t want to see them. The opponent has his own shadow.
So some people can only fall in love, but stop at marriage. You can run away at any time before the shadow is exposed, but marriage is different, and everyone needs to have the courage to be honest with each other for a long time.
How can we dare to face the parts that we think are bad and be honest with each other?
I would like to know where they come from in the first place.
On the one hand, being unable to face your true self means that you are still living in more narcissism.
Each of us in different ways maintains or tries to restore the original infantile all-powerful narcissism throughout life.
Babies fantasize that they are perfect and cannot be fragile; while mature adults, after experiencing the polishing of reality, admit their own shortcomings and limitations, and are more and more able to give up the unrealistic pursuit of perfection.
It’s not that imperfection is unworthy of life, but imperfection is real. True power, unstoppable.
On the other hand, depends on how our aggression is handled in the relationship.
for example. There are two children in the family, brother and sister. One day, the elder brother was punched back by the younger sister for stealing the toy from the younger sister. Dad sided with sister and said brother deserved it.
The elder brother was heartbroken and ran to his mother crying. The mother asked the reason and comforted the elder brother. After a while, my elder brother suddenly raised his head in his mother’s arms and said, “Mom, I want to kill my sister and father.” My
mother said, “Son, to be honest, when your father and sister make your mother so angry, your mother will kill you.” I want to kill them too.”
Brother was stunned: “What? You want to kill them too?”
Mom confirmed: “Yes, just like you are angry with them now. But, more often, father and sister love mother , so mom won’t really hurt them.”
After a while, the two children reconciled as before, laughing happily.
Aggression is human vitality, it is real. This wise mother did not feel panicked and scolded her child for treason, but gave her gentle acceptance and transformation.
Recall how many times our true self-expression was suppressed by our parents during our growth, and how many times our true emotions were not accepted or even suppressed.
If things go on like this, it will become the child’s inner denial and disgust towards himself, and he will not dare to show his true feelings in intimate relationships in the future.
This will really make a person’s life very hard psychologically, and it will also be regarded as a “fate” that he dare not hand over.
Being honest with each other is like salt in sweet bread. The purpose of adding salt is not to taste salty, but to support gluten in it.
Couples who can “survive their lives” can have irreplaceable intimacy.
Some people may say that such a relationship is too idealistic and unrealistic, and of course I admit this. People are inherently complicated, and not every intimate relationship has the conditions and abilities to go deep.
If you can’t, just keep the status quo.
It’s just that we need to know that many times we dare not deliver in relationships because we are still living in the past.