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Mom, you understand, I am also the first time to be a daughter

Mothers and daughters, a timeless topic. Love each other, tears and hugs, screw-ups and reconciliation.

As every woman grows up, she more or less looks back and reflects, “What marks did my mother leave on me? What did I like and what did I loathe respectively?” Some girls see their mothers as icons in their lives, while others try their best to avoid becoming like their mothers.

How can a mother help her daughter through the teenage years? What should a daughter be like as a teenager? There doesn’t seem to be a standard answer. There is no such thing as a perfect mother or a perfect daughter, only trial and error, learning and growth. ……

A common feeling for mothers of adolescent girls is, “I can’t read her anymore.”

The little girl who used to depend on herself both mentally and in life begins to develop a strong sense of self. They start to care about their acne, don’t like to accept standard answers, and always ask, “Why not?” They want to take over the naming of “what kind of little girl I am” from their mothers.

Although this change is expected for mothers, when it happens, they still feel a stutter, “Why does this child suddenly not need me anymore?”

Although 11-year-old FanYi had her own room, she used to sleep in her mom and dad’s room most of the time, but from the age of 10, her mother, Shi Xia, noticed that FanYi no longer refused to spend the night by herself, and even “didn’t even come out when she was asked to, preferring to stay in her own room.”

We’ve probably been in the same situation when we were kids, when the door slammed shut and locked, as if to carve out our own territory from the house. Just like adults, children also need privacy and desire to have their own space, and a sense of boundaries is an important sign of self-awareness for adolescent girls.

Not only that, but Fanyi’s mother noticed that her child’s bookshelf was also quietly changing. The picture books she originally bought for her child were slowly being replaced by novels and, more recently, delayed literature – a field she was completely unfamiliar with.

She is certainly concerned, but she is willing to take a more flexible approach than “one size fits all”, “not to build a dam to block it, but the dam is built here, but occasionally to release the water, and even to use a different operation to draw the flow.”

Mother and daughter had a larger argument last year because of the matter of reading delayed novels, as many delayed novels are e-books in the form of web serials, Fangyi often hold the phone to read e-books in the ten days of the self-drive tour, so that her mother who cares about her health condition is very worried.

The final way to deal with the novel can be read, but to switch to paper books, “so as not to hurt the eyes, the source of paper books and more controllable than e-books, the book arrived I can also probably understand the content first, so more at ease.”

This “release” seems simple, but it is not easy, need to adult women to put aside her empiricism, to trust a little girl also has their own judgment, and then on this basis, looking for the right “diversion” way.

In “The Brainstorm of Adolescence,” the author uses the word “disconnected” to describe adolescence. “Adolescence is a difficult time because we’re dealing with everything that’s new.”

And this disconnectedness doesn’t just happen to children who are beginning to explore their world, it also happens between the child and the mother, who feels as if a certain distance has been created between her and her child – she begins to grow up faster and in an unpredictable direction.

Recently, Fanyi expressed her desire to live in a school in junior high school. Like a kite, FanYi began to desire to fly farther, and ShiXia, while willing her child to “fly,” couldn’t help but want to hold on tighter. “In fact, we have been adapting to the fact that she may be leaving us soon. The so-called leaving is definitely in quotation marks, before she may say she is Shi Xia’s daughter, but after a few more years, she will be more herself.”

In a way, the process of being a mother is about constantly facing separation and watching her go from being a part of you, to being herself.

In this growth marathon, that leader is not the mother, but the daughter.

came to discuss with me what love is

At first, this distance may make the mother overwhelmed, nervous, and even conflicted, but this distance also means that the child is growing up, bringing more possibilities to the mother-daughter relationship, allowing them to discover that apart from “pulling apart”, there are also parts of their relationship that are “pulling closer”.

Photographer Yi Yi enjoys the process of her daughter Duoduo “running” faster than her. Compared to her own ignorant youth, the 14-year-old Duo Duo seems much more “precocious”.

One day, she and her mother were discussing a classmate: “Do you think she’s a bit unloved?” Yi Yi had an impression of that little girl and said, “Yes, a little.” “Then what do you think makes you think she is lacking love? Is it early love?” Yi Yi was still thinking about it when Duo said, “I think the lack of love is that you don’t know how to love others, you don’t know how to love someone more intently.” This answer made Yi Yi sigh, love – this seems to belong to the adult homework, the daughter may think more deeply.

Not only about love, but also about women’s topics and social issues, Duoduo has her own opinions. She doesn’t like the class flower that everyone recognizes, “I don’t like ‘white thin young’, I like the kind of powerful, healthy, glowing beauty like Gu Ailing.”

This year only 14-year-old Duo Duo has entered the self-discipline of early to bed to control sugar life, in order to ensure that before 10:30 bed, even her birthday she will not wait until zero o’clock, her mother admired her perseverance. Doduo said, “But not to make people think I’m beautiful, because I think it’s healthy and will put me in good shape.”

When asked what kind of adult she wanted to be, Doduo whispered softly, but with certainty, “I don’t want people to describe me as so-and-so’s wife.” You don’t know when she realized that women often exist as subordinate, but she did make her voice heard earlier than many adults as a teenager – I want to be myself.

Photography is also an important emotional connection between mother and daughter. Sometimes she can feel the changes in the relationship between her child and herself in the photos, and the growth is truly recorded in the images.

Yi Yi admits that many times it is Duo who inspires her to think, “Sometimes I feel I can’t keep up with her, but I enjoy the process of catching up with her, at least, I am always catching up and renewing myself so that we can talk on the same frequency.”

When a mother knows how to appreciate the distance and to be truly close to her child from the inside, instead of just taking care of food, clothing and shelter, she will instead draw her child closer to herself. As written in the book “Departing Kinship,” “look deeply into the child’s eyes, see both yourself and something completely foreign in the child’s eyes, and then slowly develop an eager heart that accepts every aspect of the child intimately.”

In addition to the mother’s end of the approach, there is another kind of approach that the girls take the initiative to take.

Yang Yang, who has been raising her daughter Lai alone, used the word “iron” to describe her relationship with her. “We both do not like to pretend, have to be strong, to face life together.” So the impression of Sister Lai is always cool and heartless.

But in the past two years, Yang Yang discovered that underneath her big-hearted appearance, Sister Lai actually hides a delicate heart. Because she knows that her mother has the habit of taking a nap, 11-year-old Lai becomes gentle at noon, afraid of waking up her mother.

Yang Yang and his daughter Lai. Yang Yang said that her daughter came into her life suddenly, so she took the nickname “Lai Lai”. As she came, Yang Yang tried to take on the role of a mother and get energy from her daughter.

She has very little power, but always tries to show love as much as possible. For example, calling on her classmates to write birthday cards to her mother, Yang Yang recalls, “Although there were many typos on the cards, they felt even more lovely and made me sigh that the previous thirty years of birthdays had been in vain.” Just a while ago, come sister also used pocket money to buy a lipstick for his mother, “can not just you are good to me, I also have to be good to you.” A little domineering, and a little warm.

The benign single-parent environment sometimes inspires and deepens the bond between mother and daughter, facing the uncertain life and world together.

Yang Yang feels that in the past the relationship between the two was more like “mother and daughter”, a support, a dependence, she still remembers that in order to transfer to the sister had to go to various people to plead, “I would not drink, will be allergic, but what can be done?” Now she is more willing to call each other “family” – she can also rely on her daughter, no longer a one-way, but a two-way emotional support.

Sometimes, she two will also talk about love, Yang Yang will say, “You can go to love, but you have to make yourself more independent and excellent, not dependent on anyone.” Lai sister although still seem to understand the look, but at least now, she already knows not just rely on her mother, but let her mother also rely on themselves.

Mother and daughter.

Healing each other and growing together

Every mother had a teenage period before she became a mother, and the kind of education she received during her adolescence is largely passed on from one generation to the next.

There was a time when Yi Yi was always in a state of anxiety, anxious about her own life and worried that Duo was not getting along, even on the verge of depression.

At this time, she intends to go back to the source to find the problem, remembering that when she was a child, her mother’s emotional instability, often out of control, so that her nerves are always in a state of tension. But clearly rejecting her mother’s approach, but when she became a mother herself, she was the same as her mother.

Counselor Hou Yuzhen interpreted the intergenerational transmission problem in family education this way: “Our nervous system is formed by genetic and nurturing relationships to stimulate, whether you want to or not, you and your mother always have similar parts, and it is possible that you hate the parts.”

Ei later had a long talk with her mother, and both talked about falling into tears. After this, the mother would make a conscious effort to control her emotions, “and she (meaning the mother) grew in the relationship.”

Becoming Dodo’s mother gave Yi Yi a chance to “grow up twice” and healed her as a daughter, “I want to thank Dodo, I grew up with her.”

In addition to the relational stitching, the embrace of self can also contribute to the mutual growth of mother and daughter. Outside of the kinship identity of mother and daughter, their primary identity is female.

When a child is small, people may say, “That child is so cute and fleshy. But when a young girl grows up, people’s cynicism about women’s appearance begins to intrude, and the discussion focuses more on “beauty” and “good looks”.

Eleven-year-old FanYi “has always been chubby”, tied in a ponytail, wearing glasses, looks like a calm little girl. But underneath her calm appearance, she is actually also very sensitive, sometimes looking at herself through the camera, can’t help but be a little demoralized, “Am I not good-looking ah?”

Mom Shi Xia has also experienced this kind of self-doubt caused by appearance anxiety; she gained a lot of weight after giving birth to Fanyi, “and after she gained weight, she never lost it again.” Because her job required her to stand on a podium, she was inevitably concerned about her image in the eyes of others, but later figured out, “People don’t listen to me because of what I look like, and my confidence doesn’t come from my looks, but from what I say.” She hopes that this attitude will encourage her daughter at this stage.

According to Hou Yuzhen, “A daughter will go to her mother to find her identity as a woman, and if the mother is very accepting of her identity and loves her identity as a woman, she will also love her daughter’s identity as a woman, and the child will be very consistent about that identity.”

In accepting herself, the mother encourages the girls to learn to accept themselves and love themselves as they are.

Physical freedom and spiritual freedom influence each other, and attitudes toward the body will indirectly reflect one’s perception of self.

Especially in teenage years, breast development is an important feature of adolescent body changes, along with the unfamiliarity of putting on lingerie for the first time, teenage girls will also have a feeling of, “Eh, I’m not a little girl anymore.” And if at this time, the mother can give the right concept guidance, “not because they are shameful and need to be covered up, but you grow up, wear small underwear can better protect your body”, the child will also have a more positive and comprehensive perception of the body, the self.

Ubras’ growth and developmental intimate apparel brand likeuu hopes to tell children in a practical way through their first underwear, “Underwear is not to bind your body, but to adapt to your body; and love is not to define you, but to help you become you.” On the first anniversary of the brand, likeuu invited six pairs of mothers and daughters, such as Yi Yi & Duo Duo, Shi Xia & Fan Yi, Yang Yang & Lai Sister from the article to talk about what they see in each other.

“There is a kind of growth is to become the person you want to be.”

We will find that a child has her own brain circuit, sometimes the mother can understand it, sometimes not, but that doesn’t stop them from being each other’s favorite person. Like a kite, whether loose or tight, they are in a dynamic, growing relationship together.

No matter how high the girl “flies”, the mother will hold the string tightly in her hands, but not to control, but to provide enough security on the ground for the child to “fly” freely, just like what likeuu has always advocated –Helping the child to become herself. In this process, mothers can follow their children to renew their knowledge of the world and themselves.

Education is not a one-way output, but a two-way growth education. Try to understand each other more deeply and face yourself more honestly, so as to explore a more possible mother-daughter relationship.

Discover a free, comfortable, “breathable” mother-daughter relationship

“Loving your child is an exercise in imagination.”

Whether it’s education, relationships, or self-awareness, it’s still essentially about love. The love that comes from blood is naturally powerful, but how you learn to love yourself and others later in life is more important. Being a mother or a daughter is a precious experience in life; it is a lifelong lesson, with times of mistakes and injuries, and new touches and understandings.

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