Things you are not aware of will become your “destiny”. —— Jung
If you have a cheerful and lively personality, you should be very harmonious with your parents; but if you are often anxious, have low self-esteem, and are shy to express your opinions, then your relationship with your parents may not be harmonious.
From the perspective of native family psychology, your character and destiny are related to the way you got along with your parents in childhood.
Psychologist Wu Zhihong once said that this problem is very common among Chinese parents: they can be very polite when facing colleagues and friends, but they behave very badly towards their own children.
The bad here does not always mean bad treatment of children. Sometimes it is also very bad to be too doting on children.
Although it is said that parents should provide sufficient “love” to their children as they grow up, the essence, art and expression of love are not just giving, nor accommodation, nor unconditional satisfaction .
Life and death, encounters and separations, happiness and sadness in life always appear in pairs. Therefore, growing children also need to experience this kind of “paired” education. If necessary, they must be allowed to experience it. Psychological pain, restraint and patience can cultivate children’s perseverance.
In a family, parental love is the best love for children, because children are the fruit of their love, so love is the bond between their families.
The birth of a child has the mother’s contribution, but it also has the father’s contribution. To deny any one of them is to question the child itself. Moreover, there is no child who does not want his parents to be together forever and the family to be happy forever.
love and belonging
Psychologist Maslow discovered after research that when a person’s physiological needs are met, the greatest desire in the heart is love and belonging.
Love and belonging are like necessary supplies within the human heart, and if they are not available, they will make people feel sad and empty. The greatest desire in a child’s heart is the sense of belonging connected with his parents.
So, how are children and parents connected?
As mentioned above, children can feel that “we are together” by doing the same things as their parents. This is the need for a sense of belonging.
The influence of values
As the saying goes: “As dragons give birth to dragons and phoenixes, mice’s children know how to dig holes.”
When we come into this world, we are like a blank slate, and this blank slate is forced into the family system. The family system is like a dye vat, where this white paper is dipped and dyed at will.
In the process of forming values, people have always been in the family, and they have been randomly immersed in various ideas.
Suddenly one day, when we have independent consciousness and have our own different views, we discover that our subconscious has been heavily imprinted by our original family in childhood.
If the original family in childhood is imprinted with love, then we will be sunny, confident, motivated, responsible and responsible people; if the original family in childhood is imprinted with If it is doted on, hurt and painful, then our ability, values and mentality towards love will have problems to varying degrees.
Just like some people don’t like the character of their father or mother and always want to get rid of it and don’t want to be like their father or mother.
But precisely because I spent my childhood with my father or mother, they influenced me in a subtle way. As you grow older, you will find that your personality becomes more and more like your father or mother. This is the influence of our original family on us during childhood.
The following two examples are a good comparison of the impact of different ways of getting along with parents and children in the original family during childhood on the children.
In the first family of origin, the parents let go early and the children are independent and responsible. However, the parents always criticize and accuse the children, making the children often feel inferior and unmotivated. In other words, the children have been motivated before, but don’t know how. Work hard to get your parents’ approval.
Children understand that their parents love them, but they just don’t know how to express love.
The second family of origin, because parents give their children full trust, appreciation, encouragement and selfless help, all of which encourage their children to be motivated and outstanding.
Parents don’t nag their children all day long to make progress. They use actions to convey their attitude towards life to their children, allowing them to start thinking about life in a new way. A child who grows up in such an environment is lucky because he gets true love, and this love has a huge impact on the child’s life.
Everyone cannot decide their original family, but they can make changes through future efforts. As long as they work hard, they can find a way out.